A struggle (or a delusion)
- Jun 23, 2017
- 5 min read
So, this site is mainly describing a person who didn't really expect to be in a difficult situation here. I'm writing this and I'm sure I'll be highly criticised for no reason, but focusing more to the point makes my situation better (only in my dreams)
To start this, everyone knows life is full of wars and toughness, whether in studying, working, a hard opponent in a game, or even trying to create the next big thing. But in my case, I'm suffering from a war that is worse than them all - the social life.
Call me a child, or a moaner, but it's the truth, as I rarely can make a friendship work, most of them fail and the rest bring the fear they may fail as well. But who takes the blame? The person who had a heart for everyone when it matters? Yeah, he takes the blame.
So, why such a person would be neglected in this way? It's basically down to the difference in behaviour. In friendships (mainly the boy-girl ones as the same gender ones have less problems), people like more knowing the person unexpectedly rather than planning to initiate the talk for the first time, also taking slow steps for trust and love to build, love by mood, mainly focusing on common interests in talking, with no plans of hanging out (instead hanging out in the group of people they are friends with). So it's expected anything out of the trend would seem weird and questionable, and so is my behaviour. I tend to focus on individual basis rather than a group one (unless I know people who know each other), getting adapted to people easily, loving people easily, enthusiastic to cheer them and make them laugh, with appreciating their existence in my life even if I got no benefit from. But why such a beautiful attitude would be got wrong, is because of the scenarios - Why does he do that?, Oh my God he is thinking of having a relationship with me (said by a girl greater than me in age), This is way sticky and needy, Don't force me! (while people forcing me to their conditions is okay) - and as a result conflicts arise and occur, and causing them to get away of me and push me away. The expression "If you want to have a friend, be a one" never works here.
So why do I behave in this way? Mainly two reasons, my mental illness, and trying to follow the right direction in life. For three years, I suffer from a severe abdominal pain that is linked to emotions (resulting in anxiety and depression), that made me more soft, and more fragile to negativity, which pushed me to doing the right with more passion, at least proving to myself that I want to do the right. Life got much worse with shocks of people I really love, I got more broken, more weak, and rarely cared about and appreciated as well, and when I asked to get loved as I do, that was highly declined, and now I sacrificed the need to be loved, which made my life a hell, and yet I still love people, but when weakness persists I get dead, my behavior gets more harsh day after day, still I love and I feel it like a fork at my back, but I still try many times to stick to this habit, getting to the second reason which is the right direction, that life should be in terms of love, success, and persistency, and during life the three must be achieved in their pure forms.
I spoke my problems many times to be honest with people and to avoid shocks, but of course, people will get bored hearing a serious or tough words, even if I was well, I still find it really hard to open topics with people and this way I can't make an everlasting friendship in both cases, that made me hopeless and sometimes willing to give up the social life, all in failing attempts.
So, is it my fault? Yeah, rather than neglecting the meaningless criticism I heard, I got affected and began to behave weakly and with self-humiliation, yeah it's wrong, but that never means people have no fault at this, at least for one mistake, saying that we must accept all people with similarities and differences, black side and white side, but in my case it rarely happened, they'll see my behaviour a mess while another mess can be the way the different side is not accepted to people, and not saying that a person can behave out of the box, making his life and not inheriting a one before.
I didn't mean to attack, just saying what I see, and I know the expected reaction to this is that I'll be regarded a liar or an actor, but God knows every word I said, I really never meant any harm to people, and if I did it's not my will, just me surrendered to my inner weakness.
I wish things could work better, but that's in people's hands, not me, because I already do what I can do. I really wish we can get over anything to get a friendship, for them, not me, and this is not a force, because if it's a force, then it's because he/she doesn't want to accept, while I never want anyone to behave with no will, I never said: you must accept me like it or not, I just try to convince like anyone would do, it might change black visions of people to a better one, because they're love linkages, why would anyone refuse it?
Love is not the out of the blue feeling that spreads inside us, love is always a choice, a commitment to everyone, that means love is not only for people married or family or relationships, it's for all, for anyone.
I thank people who accepted me in their lives, they know who they are, and for the rest, I hope I can keep loving and cheering you at least, I'm afraid I'm on the verge of giving up again, but for everyone, if you found me out of the sudden treating you in a bigger way than usual, stop me, please do it and tell me to stop it, and forget my feelings in this situation, not because it's wrong, but I'm really tired of the conflicts no one deserves to be involved in, ask my abdominal pain.
Thank you all again!! For anything you want to say feel free to text me.
P.S- I'm currently treating my mental illness, but that won't change my position.
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